Sunday, April 22, 2012

Cluttered Thoughts

How do you know how much you can put into something before giving up? I always seem to ruin things. I can't ever seem to plan things with out other things getting in the way. And it's not like I mean to. It's frustrating when you don't know what more to do to fix these things. Especially when it's all you have ever wanted. I'm not an expert at this whole relationship thing, and it sure is showing. I can't deal with my emotions perfectly when my mind can't stop thinking about one person or one situation. The worst thing is going to bed confused or broken. It's not easy. And the other worst thing is hanging on and feeling like the only one fighting. I know I messed up, but everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect but I'm trying my best to be just that for you. Trying to fix things about me so I'll be like every other girl is not easy. Being able to not eat what I used to is not easy. It's put me through some of the worst mood swings I've experienced. But I keep going, because who wants to be known as "the fat friend."? not me. And It makes me hope you'll love me that much more if I do. My mind is cluttered and I can't think straight. There is so much going on and so little of words heard. And it's beginning to make me think I don't have any hope. Nothing I do can fix what I've done. And I can't live with that. I can't break again. I don't think I could handle that. I just need this storm to pass. No one will understand the way he makes me feel. He makes me feel like I'm the only important person in this world. But how do you know what's true when that one person won't even speak a word to you? It puts thoughts in your mind that you wish would just go away. It cuts you down and makes you feel worthless. Like I can't do anything right. I just wish everything can be okay.


Daisy Flower Torres said...

I think you are beautiful just the way you are but I do love the fact that you've challenged yourself to eat more healthy. It takes a lot. I really wish I could do that.

And also I just wanted to share this,
"In the end it will always end up how it should be".

carlee ellen said...

oh, this completely breaks my heart.

a few thoughts:

i know no matter what other people say, you're gonna feel what you feel and there is no changing that. but "the fat friend."? i can't believe someone would even DARE call you that. you're beautiful and definitely not fat. its unfair for people to tear you down like that. don't they know its comments like that the cause us girls to do such terrible things to ourselves? please don't listen. it's good that you're eating healthier, but you don't have to completely cut out what you love. you can still eat it, just in moderation.

everyone makes mistakes, its so very true. and my personal opinion, everyone deserves a second chance as well. nobody is perfect in any way, shape, or form. this boy needs to realize that you will make mistakes...but he will too. and if he wants to be forgiven for the mistakes he makes, he needs to learn to forgive you for the mistakes you make. you can only grow stronger through trials. i'm hoping and praying for you that this is just one little bump in the road, that everything ends up being okay.

heartbreak is the worst, i get that. sometimes it takes all of you to hold on to that last, tiny, thread. and if its all you want, girl..keep holding on! you'll know when and if its time to let go.

obviously we don't know eachother, we just stalk eachother through social stuffs, but if you ever need to talk, give me a holler!

stay strong, girl. you can do this!

"love is living your own life, but sharing it.
it's forgiveness. its making a million mistakes
and turning them into learning experiences.
love is patience, optimism, and sometimes
its a kiss when there is nothing left to say."