Saturday, September 17, 2011

Learning to Look Past You

Why are you so surprised I still love you? I said forever and always and unlike you, I wasn't lying. I can't even describe it in words. I don't know if it was love, but I know that it is the closest I have falt to love. But now it's all gone. I put all my trust in you, you broke my heart. Then you came back... but still doing wrong things and not knowing you'd have to go. I wrote, and got nothing. Once again you came back, and we both knew that there was still something there. But I knew that I couldn't let my self fall back too quickly. So I set the boundaries of "Best Friends". It was all perfect, and each day I would fall more and more for you over and over again. The next thing I knew you were off doing the dumb things you got into again. I felt lost and empty. I had to cut you off. But each day that passed I couldn't help but think of you. Then you called telling me you couldn't handle not talking. So there I go again, opening up and letting you back in. Is this wrong? Fifth Time i've let this happen in the past 4 years. Then the next thing I know.. you're doing crap again. And after that you find her. Now I'm here back to square one. Alone, Lost, and in Regret. Got so used to talking everyday and all night, now we don't talk at all. I can't believe I let this happen yet again. I should have been smarter. I should have listened to everyone else. But I was too caught up thinking something might actually happen again. She has you tied down, no moving now. There is so much space between us. Seems like more than the year we had no connections. Seems worse. I can't handle it. Going from everything perfect so many times to nothing but empty hands, and i'm trying to hold on with my open hands. I can't seem to hold on, but the memories won't seem to let me go. I've had to say too many goodbyes that my throat is starting to hurt. And the word "someday" keeps popping in my head, but i'm trying to keep busy. So many things remind me of you, because we have done so much and been to so many places together. I feel like I have moved on. But there is always those days where I know that I haven't. I must have been a fool to keep taking you in and letting you mess with my heart. And for some reason, my heart won't let anyone else in. It lets people in, but not to the extent of feeling love. Like I said, the closest to love i've felt was with you. I don't even know if it was love. But I'm trying to stand back and look out to the view. You keep blocking it, and I'm slowly learning to look past you.

1 comment:

[...{KamI EriN}...] said...

Syd,
This was beautiful. Please call or text me. Im dealing with this same situation. I would LOVE to get together. maybe some good old reuniting of getting out nails done! and I would love to talk to you about this kind of stuff. any way, 8018302062

-kami